you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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