so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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