Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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