he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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