My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
