I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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