wat bout pragnant strippers??
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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