apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
