If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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