I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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