so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
