Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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