I wish my penis had an off switch
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
