This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
