i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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