I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
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I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
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the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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