Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
