I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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