my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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