did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
