Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
