Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
