The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
