there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
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