I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
