Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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