Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
