we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
