can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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