I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
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