was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
