So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
