oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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