You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
