Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
