in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
