hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.