i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You can't special order awesome
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome