I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
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and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
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I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.