When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Text me some of your sweat
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
