She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
