connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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