I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You ruined the universe
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I did not marry a roomba.
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