I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
