Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
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