Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
