is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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