i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Last time i carry you out of a forest
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
