Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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