i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
