chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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