When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
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I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
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We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
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