I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
