I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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