Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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