I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Of course I have a pirate flag
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
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