I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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