now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
