dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
